the princess diaries

todays just the begining. i know that hes gone, but it just hasn't seemed that real. i can't believe he is gone. he was the one person in my life that i cared about the most and now that is gone. he is gone. when i was little and sick or didn't have school me ally and drew would go over there so they could watch us while my parents were at work. most everytime we went over i brought the princess diaries to watch. he sat there and watched it with me everytime. that was our movie. thursday when mom got a call from kathy that grandpy wasn't doing to well i imedietly had to watch the princess diaries. i looked and couldn't find it so i figured that i left it there one day. i went to on demand and they had it. i was so happy. i watched the movie and just thought that if he died while i was watching it on his way to heaven he would see me watching it and be happy. now today i was looking for a picture of the cover of the movie so i could put a picture of it in with him. i coulnd't find it. i called mom who was at gradpys getting stuff ready for the viewing tonight and asked them to look for it. she called back and said that she couldn't find it. i looked for my copy again and i couldn't find it. i lost the only thing i have left of my grandfather.

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so i haven't written in a while because i forgot my password lol.

even though it's been a weeks since i have written things haven't really changed. well i take that back things have changed a lot. the other day my mom told me that grandpy isn't going to do chemo. when i first heard that it didn't faze me. i didn't really understood what it means. now i do. it means that he's not going to try and fight it. it means that we now have less time to be with him. everytime i think that he may not be here tomorrow i can't help but to think of ally. which than makes me even more sad to know that she isn't around.

i mean it's going to be summer soon. (one week and 1 dayyy) summer means no worry, no stress, just fun, the beach, tanning and tournament. (oh and getting hyped up for the phillies mets game on the 5) not not wanting to go far away for to long because i might miss somthing. i just thought that part of my life was over, but than again why would "he" make it simple for me and my family? it seems like every year i have somthing terrible happen to me. either a death or someone being diganosed(sp) with cancer (god i hate that word). and that's true cuz ever since 7th grade one of them has happend to me. why should this year be any different? high school is supposed to be the best years of your life. well so far it has sucked. majorly.

i just wish this was over with. not saying i want him dead, ('cause i realllllyyyy don't!!) but i just am sick a fuckin tired of the pain. i don't know maybe after this i wil finally get some peace.

the news

we new the news wasnt going to be good news. we knew that it was going to be hard to handle. but we never thought it would be like this. they went to the dr. it took almost 2 hrs. that was my first clue that somthing was up. than my mom called said she was getting his meds and talking with the uncles. that was my second clue. and my suspison that it wasn't good new was confirmed when my mom came home. she asked if i wanted to know. i didnt hesitate when i said yes. i wanted to know, but at the same time i couldn't hear it. she told me that he has masses in both his lungs and somthing eating away at his spine. i asked if the masses were cancerouse and she said that they most likely were. my heart just sank. it took everything i had not to cry right than. why does it have to be canser again. cancer being the thing that is going to take away 2 people that i love so much. it's not fair and i try not to think about it but its hard not to. me and my mom were driving and talking about it she said why couldnt he just have a heart attack and die in his sleep so he doesnt have to suffer. at first i was like what the hell! than i thought about it and agreed with her. i dont know if i can handle watching yet another person that i love battle for their life. in fact i know i wont be able to do it. it's going to be hard and i dont want to deal but god wouldnt have given me these obstacales if he knew i couldnt deal with them....right?

scared of whats to come

so a few days ago my grandfather got a catscan and the doctor called like yesterday and said that he had to see him. my mom is going to the doctor with him today at 4. we were tallking about it yesterday in the car. she said that it isnt going to be good news. im so scared about what the doctor is going to say. i mean hes 90 of course he is going to have problems, but hes my grandfather and my rock. with all the stuff my family had to deal with the past few years i could always count on him. i love him sooo much and i dont know what i would do without him. who will mess my hair up at my wedding if hes not there? he cant go i need him here to tell me all the crazy stories he tells. and to sing his songs. he has a song for everything. i honastly cant imagain my life without my granpyy. and i dont want to have to live my life without him. i know its not going to be good. and i know that this was going to happen sooner or later. i just wish that it was later.

fast and furious

when you have someone in your life that is really important to you and you lose them your life is never the same. and when you see or do certain things that remind you of themit makes you wish they were here all the more. the new fast and furious is came out on friday. i really want to see it because i lovee thoes movies. but at the same time i dont know if i can. the first one was one of allys favorite movies. she would be so happy they came out with a new one with all the original people. i wanted to wait and see it with my brother. but he went on friday to see it with his friend. when he told me that i felt a lump in my throat and got really sad. i told him that i would take him. it was suppose to be a thing for me and him to do. cuz i know she would of wanted us to see it together. i was reallly mad at him for seeing it without me. he even told me that it was better than the first! i really wish he could of waited and saw the movie with me. i told him that i am taking him to see it again sometime over spring break. but it wont be the same as seeing together for the first time.

The Beach All Time Low

Well, you're a long walk from my street And I'm dying in this summer heat I hope like hell you're waiting, waiting

Everybody's living like they're crazy in love I'm a dizzy mess, and everything is so above me From the floor of any life I lead today

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me It was the very first time that I lost my mind for a week They can make, make, make me forget the weather If we'll never, never, never wash the sand from my feet It was the very last time that we said goodbye to the beach Showing off, showing off our teeth

So make one last call back home Cause tonight we go in alone And I hope that you know I'm waiting, waiting (Summer, do you feel me?)

Everybody's singing like they're crazy in love We made a dizzy mess of everything and it was enough So bring all the boys and all the girls together

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me It was the very first time that I lost my mind for a week They can make, make, make me forget the weather If we'll never, never, never wash the sand from my feet It was the very last time that we said goodbye to the beach Showing off, showing off our teeth

You're going out in style And I'm getting tired of all your lying (Summer, do you feel me?) Stop pretending Stop, the answer's in the smile And I'm coming clean (Summer, do you feel me?) Just give me something (Summer, do you feel me?) Stop pretending

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me It was the very first time that I lost my mind for a week They can make, make, make me forget the weather If we'll never, never, never wash the sand from my feet It was the very last time that we said goodbye to the beach Showing off, showing off our teeth

done

i was going to write somthing in here, but i relized that im so over it. you didn't win, you never will, but im done. this is pethtic and i am WAYYY better than this. you will never hear from me again. don't txt me, don't blog a bout me, don't talk to me. we might of had some good times but that was a looooong time ago. im a different person now. a better person now. and i am soo happy with what i have found out about myself. and the people that have helped me figure it out. they are my reall friends. they are always there and without them i'd die. i don't have to say their names or talk about the fun times we have. weather they read this or don't have a blog (which most of them don't) they know who they are and they know the good times we have together. so like i said im done. no more of your drama. no more of the bickering. we done. im done. and i mean it this time.

storyyy timee bitchesss

true story timee.

on friday you are talking at lunch with your friends and than someone comes over no one there like and starts in on your conversation. than lunch end and the 4 of you leave and go back to your 5pd classes. you had some good conversation, some akward silences and someone leanred somthing new. so a good lunch some might say. it's friday and your on facebook just chillin enjoying your day when someone txts you. look at it and are getting ready to be bitched at. girl you are so smart cuz this person is bitching at you. this person is telling you what you are and what you aren't allowed to talk about with your friends. you find this odd becasuse last time you checked it was your life and not theirs so you are wondering why they think they have the right to tall you what to do. you get mad at this said person so you txt them and you aren't very nice to them. they lie to you, you get scarstic to them. nothing really bad happens.

so you sit there thinking why the hell did this person that no one at you lunch table go off and tell her little friend what you and your friends talk about at lunch when CLEARLYY its non of their buissnes? the answer is simple thoes 3 have nothing better to do than cause drama. their day isn't complet if they aren't involed in someee kind of drama. it's sad and you alomost (and when i say almost i mean never in a million years) feel bad for them that the fact that they are so pethetic they have to cause issues.

so what the moral of the story here? don't be a bitch. this isn't pre-k so stop acting like a baby. GROW UP! THIS IS HIGH SCHOOL. YOU DON'T LIKE SOMTHING DEAL WITH IT AND DON'T CAUSE DRAMA!

little miss emo

so after i posted my last entry i relized that most of my blogs are sad and deppresing. and im sorry for that, but thats just how my life is right now.
hopefully it will change soon, but lets not hold our breath....

im sorry and i miss you

so this day is like a seasaw. when i woke up i wasn't happyy because i relized what a terible friend i am. than as the day when on i got happier. now after reading some stuff and remembering i feel bad again.
i am such a bad friend. like what kind of person forgets that kind of stuff? i'll tell you not a good friend. there are no words that could ever describe how terrriblee i feel! i hope she knows that i love her and would never what to hurt her!! she is my girl!

and thinking that yesterday was one of the dredful 2's made it a little worse.
i just miss her way to much. because now more than ever i need my sister. i need someone to talk to that knows what is going on. i get so jealouse when people talk about their sister hearing all they do together and knowing that i will never have that. and i want to have that. i want to go though one day and not cry because i miss her. i don't want to be sad all the time. i was at the movies with my cousin we saw bride wars and i sat there thinkning that all my friends prolly will have their sisters as their bridesmaids and that is what i want. i want to be able to say that my sister is my bridesmaid but i cant and that killls me.
i just miss her and need to talk to her because no one will ever understand what i have to deal with.

bad day

what do you do when the world you thought you knew came crashing down and all you can do is sit back and watch it fall apart? well if i knew the answer to that than i wouldn't be writing this now would i? it seems like when you finally figure life out, when you finally feel that everything is going well in your life somthing bad happends that makes you rethink everything. life is hard and difficult. people die. people lose their jobs. people don't have enough money to pay thier bills. it is really hard to see that, but what is worse is having to live that. having to not being able to do things with your friends because you don't have enough money for it. it is really hard and confusing. we are young. the biggest problems that we should have to face are boys/girls, grades, mean girls etc. but these day we teenagers have to deal with falling in and out of love. losing loved ones. or having a parent lose their job. it is really hard to be a teenager (or anybody) these days, life doesn't come easy. and i guesse that is good. if it did than we wouldn't be strong or we can never really live life. it is really hard to have to face these difficulties and not know how to react to them. to bad there isn't book on life telling us what to do and what not to do. that would be helpful...

the truth

"maybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us, ya know? Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Lair - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for."

my rambling inspiraton!

there are times in life when we question what we do. times when we wonder what the hell we were thinking. and times when we wish we could go back and relive the truly amazing moments in life. there are times when we want to go back and relive the moment or relive the feeling you have when you see someone you love. we face these times everyday. wether we relize it or not they happen. sometimes we have to remember these times that make us happy, because without them we are nothing. these are the times that when all else fails if you think of them than you will feel like you are there again. these are the times that make us who we are. these are the times that i live for. the times that i can't imagian my life without.

2008 a year to remember....

a year has came and went. there was gains and loses in 2008. many things have changed. and yet it feels the same.
shes still isn't here with us. we all want her to be here, but if there is were she is happy and healthy than we just have to wait it out till we get to go there and see her again.
over this past year i have lost a friend, but gained sooo manyy more. there are things i did that i regret, but would never take back. there were hard times that all i wanted to do was just end it, but than i thought of all the things that i promised myself i would do. the things she would never be able to do. this year was pretty mellow(ish) compared to the past year. sure we had our scares, but we also had our wonderful memories.
i think i've changed. i relized the people that i can trust. the people that i can tell my heart and soul to. and the people that are just there to have a good time. all of these people are imprtant to me and i wouldn't have been able to deal with the stuff in my life without them.
i would say me best memory of 2008 is when the phillies won the world serise.
and the 2 best memory of 2008 is watching the girls win districss!!