the princess diaries

todays just the begining. i know that hes gone, but it just hasn't seemed that real. i can't believe he is gone. he was the one person in my life that i cared about the most and now that is gone. he is gone. when i was little and sick or didn't have school me ally and drew would go over there so they could watch us while my parents were at work. most everytime we went over i brought the princess diaries to watch. he sat there and watched it with me everytime. that was our movie. thursday when mom got a call from kathy that grandpy wasn't doing to well i imedietly had to watch the princess diaries. i looked and couldn't find it so i figured that i left it there one day. i went to on demand and they had it. i was so happy. i watched the movie and just thought that if he died while i was watching it on his way to heaven he would see me watching it and be happy. now today i was looking for a picture of the cover of the movie so i could put a picture of it in with him. i coulnd't find it. i called mom who was at gradpys getting stuff ready for the viewing tonight and asked them to look for it. she called back and said that she couldn't find it. i looked for my copy again and i couldn't find it. i lost the only thing i have left of my grandfather.

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so i haven't written in a while because i forgot my password lol.

even though it's been a weeks since i have written things haven't really changed. well i take that back things have changed a lot. the other day my mom told me that grandpy isn't going to do chemo. when i first heard that it didn't faze me. i didn't really understood what it means. now i do. it means that he's not going to try and fight it. it means that we now have less time to be with him. everytime i think that he may not be here tomorrow i can't help but to think of ally. which than makes me even more sad to know that she isn't around.

i mean it's going to be summer soon. (one week and 1 dayyy) summer means no worry, no stress, just fun, the beach, tanning and tournament. (oh and getting hyped up for the phillies mets game on the 5) not not wanting to go far away for to long because i might miss somthing. i just thought that part of my life was over, but than again why would "he" make it simple for me and my family? it seems like every year i have somthing terrible happen to me. either a death or someone being diganosed(sp) with cancer (god i hate that word). and that's true cuz ever since 7th grade one of them has happend to me. why should this year be any different? high school is supposed to be the best years of your life. well so far it has sucked. majorly.

i just wish this was over with. not saying i want him dead, ('cause i realllllyyyy don't!!) but i just am sick a fuckin tired of the pain. i don't know maybe after this i wil finally get some peace.

the news

we new the news wasnt going to be good news. we knew that it was going to be hard to handle. but we never thought it would be like this. they went to the dr. it took almost 2 hrs. that was my first clue that somthing was up. than my mom called said she was getting his meds and talking with the uncles. that was my second clue. and my suspison that it wasn't good new was confirmed when my mom came home. she asked if i wanted to know. i didnt hesitate when i said yes. i wanted to know, but at the same time i couldn't hear it. she told me that he has masses in both his lungs and somthing eating away at his spine. i asked if the masses were cancerouse and she said that they most likely were. my heart just sank. it took everything i had not to cry right than. why does it have to be canser again. cancer being the thing that is going to take away 2 people that i love so much. it's not fair and i try not to think about it but its hard not to. me and my mom were driving and talking about it she said why couldnt he just have a heart attack and die in his sleep so he doesnt have to suffer. at first i was like what the hell! than i thought about it and agreed with her. i dont know if i can handle watching yet another person that i love battle for their life. in fact i know i wont be able to do it. it's going to be hard and i dont want to deal but god wouldnt have given me these obstacales if he knew i couldnt deal with them....right?

scared of whats to come

so a few days ago my grandfather got a catscan and the doctor called like yesterday and said that he had to see him. my mom is going to the doctor with him today at 4. we were tallking about it yesterday in the car. she said that it isnt going to be good news. im so scared about what the doctor is going to say. i mean hes 90 of course he is going to have problems, but hes my grandfather and my rock. with all the stuff my family had to deal with the past few years i could always count on him. i love him sooo much and i dont know what i would do without him. who will mess my hair up at my wedding if hes not there? he cant go i need him here to tell me all the crazy stories he tells. and to sing his songs. he has a song for everything. i honastly cant imagain my life without my granpyy. and i dont want to have to live my life without him. i know its not going to be good. and i know that this was going to happen sooner or later. i just wish that it was later.

fast and furious

when you have someone in your life that is really important to you and you lose them your life is never the same. and when you see or do certain things that remind you of themit makes you wish they were here all the more. the new fast and furious is came out on friday. i really want to see it because i lovee thoes movies. but at the same time i dont know if i can. the first one was one of allys favorite movies. she would be so happy they came out with a new one with all the original people. i wanted to wait and see it with my brother. but he went on friday to see it with his friend. when he told me that i felt a lump in my throat and got really sad. i told him that i would take him. it was suppose to be a thing for me and him to do. cuz i know she would of wanted us to see it together. i was reallly mad at him for seeing it without me. he even told me that it was better than the first! i really wish he could of waited and saw the movie with me. i told him that i am taking him to see it again sometime over spring break. but it wont be the same as seeing together for the first time.

The Beach All Time Low

Well, you're a long walk from my street And I'm dying in this summer heat I hope like hell you're waiting, waiting

Everybody's living like they're crazy in love I'm a dizzy mess, and everything is so above me From the floor of any life I lead today

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me It was the very first time that I lost my mind for a week They can make, make, make me forget the weather If we'll never, never, never wash the sand from my feet It was the very last time that we said goodbye to the beach Showing off, showing off our teeth

So make one last call back home Cause tonight we go in alone And I hope that you know I'm waiting, waiting (Summer, do you feel me?)

Everybody's singing like they're crazy in love We made a dizzy mess of everything and it was enough So bring all the boys and all the girls together

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me It was the very first time that I lost my mind for a week They can make, make, make me forget the weather If we'll never, never, never wash the sand from my feet It was the very last time that we said goodbye to the beach Showing off, showing off our teeth

You're going out in style And I'm getting tired of all your lying (Summer, do you feel me?) Stop pretending Stop, the answer's in the smile And I'm coming clean (Summer, do you feel me?) Just give me something (Summer, do you feel me?) Stop pretending

Well, they can take, take, take the kids from the summer But they'll never, never, never take the summer from me It was the very first time that I lost my mind for a week They can make, make, make me forget the weather If we'll never, never, never wash the sand from my feet It was the very last time that we said goodbye to the beach Showing off, showing off our teeth

done

i was going to write somthing in here, but i relized that im so over it. you didn't win, you never will, but im done. this is pethtic and i am WAYYY better than this. you will never hear from me again. don't txt me, don't blog a bout me, don't talk to me. we might of had some good times but that was a looooong time ago. im a different person now. a better person now. and i am soo happy with what i have found out about myself. and the people that have helped me figure it out. they are my reall friends. they are always there and without them i'd die. i don't have to say their names or talk about the fun times we have. weather they read this or don't have a blog (which most of them don't) they know who they are and they know the good times we have together. so like i said im done. no more of your drama. no more of the bickering. we done. im done. and i mean it this time.